I guess technically they are called bridal shows these days. You know—those big bridal extravaganzas where you can rub elbows with various vendors, sip free champagne, and stuff yourself with cake samples?

I love these things!

This year was my third year attending this particular show and I knew exactly what I needed to do. I slid right past the registration table and headed directly for the free champagne. In the next hour I consumed beef satay, a seafood salad, several bacon wrapped scallops, an egg roll, a chocolate dipped strawberry, an unladylike amount of salmon mousse puffs, two pieces of mini gooey butter cake, a couple of cookies, a cupcake, and several pieces of the aforementioned sample cake.

…then I waddled out to the parking lot, went home, and threw up.

Bridal shows aren’t really supposed to be about the food. Theoretically, I am supposed to be networking with potential florists, bakers, and wedding planners. But bridal shows are crammed with so many wedding charlatans hawking their wares and hoping to get their hands on my phone number (Seriously, I have had this custom made swimsuit company call me every week for the last year. I didn’t even know custom made swimsuits even existed!) The only way to attend unscathed is to go “undercover”.

By “undercover”, I mean passing myself off as a member of the group of girls who are already married or who hope to be married soon. I no longer register myself as a “bride” and I never, never wear the sticker, the carnation, or display whatever symbol the show promoter has set aside to cull the marks from the masses.

And we are marks right? Brides-to-be are like neon flashing dollar signs. Every two bit huckster in sight is trying to sell us something. And we want to buy it! I want to buy it! Of course I want the $1700 photo booth at my reception. I want to buy the custom made letterpress invitations which cost $12 apiece. I want a dessert bar, and a gigantic ice sculpture and I really want to serve those salmon mousse puffs on gilded silver trays.

But none of that is in my budget.

So I skulk around the perimeter of the bridal show stuffing my mouth with canapés; skirting the booths of hopeful vendors trying to get ideas and inspiration I can translate for my low budget wedding.